Premarriage Sexuality

Pastoral counsel

Sexual intercourse outside a marriage commitment is not a cultural or disputable matter; the Bible calls it sin. The first-century New Testament world was as sexually impure as today. Ever since then, authentic Christians have distinguished themselves by living sexually pure lives. Here are some scriptures on the topic: Acts 15.22-29, 1 Corinthians 6.18 through 7.6, 2 Corinthians 12.21, Galatians 5.18-25, Colossians 3.1-7, Hebrews 13.4.

When Christians discover sin of any kind in their lives, scripture instructs us to carry it to the cross and confess it to our Lord Jesus Christ. The Bible says God will forgive us.  (1 John 1.5 through 2.3)

Not only does God forgive us, but he also washes us clean from sin’s contamination. In the case of sexual immorality, I mean that God restores us to spiritual virginity - though it is impossible to restore our physical virginity. Here are some scriptures to help understand this dimension: Ps 51.1-12, Ps 103.8-12, 2 Cor 5.17, Titus 2.11-12, 1 Peter 1.22-23, 1 John 3.1-3.

It is also true that God expects us to turn away from sin. Confessing our sin is the first step, but turning away is just as clear. So, we need a strategy to turn from this sin before moving into a Christian marriage (Romans 12.1-2, Ephesians 4.1, Philippians 1.27, 1 Thessalonians 4.1-8). That strategy amounts to sexual abstinence for some period. After that, we can marry and consummate the marriage in the context of being spiritual virgins.

Practical logistics:

There are at least two approaches to abstinence. The best is to live at separate addresses. If that is impossible, sleep in different rooms and abstain from sexual intimacy. How long an abstinence period is between you and the Lord. I suggest several months if you are mature in other areas of life and have developed the life skills to put off short-term wants for the long-term good. Even if you are immature and have little self-control, I suggest a few weeks - long enough to establish spiritual virginity before the Lord, but not so long as to push temptation beyond the breaking point.

The pros and cons:

Cons (there's only one):

1. You must resist the temptation for sexual intimacy during the abstinence period.

Pros (there are several):

1. You will start your marriage in the healthiest possible way: by committing yourselves and your marriage to the Lordship of Christ. This is the best way I can think of to follow the Ephesians 4.20-24 teaching: “... put away your former way of life, ... be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and clothe yourselves with the new self, created according to the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

2. You will set a beautiful Christian example within your extended family, work colleagues, and social friends. Though you probably will not broadcast your abstinence to your friends, it becomes apparent naturally (such as if you've moved to separate addresses). As those close to you become aware of the change, you can share an authentic witness for Christ.

3. The Lord has a way of using our experiences to help others. You will undoubtedly have people come through your lives with similar struggles. Eventually, these will include your kids and, likely, young people you minister to as you live your Christian life. How you handle your premarital sexuality will be a powerful model for them.

Additional resource: Advice for Couples

For a printable copy of this page, click here.

Sexuality is just one aspect of healthy romantic relationships. For a broader treatment, please check out the Advice for Couples. It fits anyone who is dating, courting, and even those who have been married for decades.

Blessings, Pastor Tim