Advice for Couples

This web page is designed for couples who are dating, courting, or were married long ago. It is also available by typing bit.ly/advice4couples into any browser.

Over several decades, I've talked with people about relationships. They come to me for two reasons: Robin and I have remained married since 1967, and I am a pastor. Some came because of difficulties in their marriage, others just wanted a better marriage. Some came for pre-marriage counseling and/or to ask me to officiate at their wedding. Others were dating - including some who previously experienced a failed marriage. I am not a licensed counselor so I am quick to refer people to professionals. But like all pastors, I find myself talking with people about how to improve their relationships.

Slowly I accumulated a toolbox of resources that have proved helpful in these situations. Many of these tools emerged from looking for help with my own marriage. Some came from my wife, who is much wiser about relationships than I am! This web page offers you my entire toolbox, organized. 

Resources

Communications 


Dating and courtship

 

Marriage theory and theology

Dr. Dennis Kinlaw is a mature Methodist minister and seminary professor. From decades of living in scripture, he has a holistic and wonderful grasp of it. At first glance, his book doesn't look like it has much to say to couples. But in fact, it has a very profound message, especially for Christian couples. It takes a little theological background to grasp it all, but anyone can get the pertinent part.

His marriage material is particularly in Let's Start with Jesus, chapter 2: "The Level of Intimacy God Desires, Three Metaphors Illustrate God's Purposes for Us." One of these 3 metaphors is the marriage metaphor, which he points out is the most prolific metaphor in scripture for how we are to relate to God. As I grasped it, I came to realize that God's primary objective in marriage is not our pleasure and happiness so much as it is to draw us into a deeper relationship with himself. Robin and I used Dr. Kinlaw's concepts in a talk at Stanford University Grad School's Intervarsity Christian Fellowship in December 2011. You can find my notes from that evening at Invitation to Romance.

This book is a moderately easy read. It teaches that the sources of most couples’ relationship problems are subconscious lessons on how to love that they learned from their families of origin. It also unpacks how God helps couples replace these unhealthy love styles with healthy ones. It is a very practical book. 

In another part of this website, the Resources section, you can also find my set of Premarriage Counseling Resources. I designed that section for pastors to use in premarriage counseling, but anyone is welcome to browse and use the material. I also occasionally do online premarriage counseling, which you can learn about at Premarriage Counseling - online.  

This book does an excellent job of talking about love from a psychological viewpoint. It is written for secular readers, but as you read it you may suspect that the author is a Christian. In fact, he is and he has taught at Fuller Theological Seminary. This book was a bit of a tough read for me, but I found the exercises in the back of the book quite practical and understandable - and these enlightened me enough to understand the text. The exercises are designed for couples to work through either prior to or after marriage. The exercises are worth the price of the book, even if you never read the text.


Sexuality