by Tim Isbell 11/2013
When people ask me for advice about their lack of joy or peace of mind, I sometimes discover that it is the result of unresolved resentment or anger stemming from past hurt. It may have been the parent who abandoned us, a spouse who betrayed us, a family member, a co-worker, or someone else. Usually, the hurt occurred years earlier. The perpetrator may still be in our life, or far away, or even dead.
When I sense that resentment is the root, it's time to talk about forgiveness. It helps to differentiate forgiveness from reconciliation and restoration. Understanding these three concepts helps individuals initiate a process to resolve their resentment and move forward.
If you work with people who need to forgive a past hurt, or if you need to process a past hurt of your own, this web page is for you.
Forgiveness is when I release a wrongdoer from the offense they committed. It is letting go of my thoughts of "getting even" or wishing bad fortune on the perpetrator, or simply remaining irritated about the offense.
God expects Christians to forgive those who hurt us, regardless of whether they confess, repent, or ask for forgiveness. We don't forgive because the perpetrator deserves it. We forgive because we received forgiveness. We experienced God's forgiveness through Jesus, who initiated it before we asked. While hanging on the cross, Jesus asked the Father to forgive the very people who were killing him. On that day, I doubt that they felt any guilt or shame; perhaps they never did. When we take the initiative to forgive, we are in good company - we are in the company of Jesus.
The Apostle Paul wrote, Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, you must also forgive (Colossians 3.13 NRSV). The Lord's Prayer Jesus teaches, If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matthew 6.14 15 NRSV).
I've talked with people who suffered serious offenses 10 or more years prior. Often, the perpetrator is gone. Regardless of the proximity or availability of the perpetrator, God wants us to forgive them. And God stands ready to help us do this.
Another reason to forgive is that harboring long-term resentment can destroy our peace of mind. Our resentment seldom has as much of an impact on the perpetrator as it does on us; it always has a destructive effect on us. Secular psychologists understood this long ago!
Sometimes people ask me for help with a relationship problem, and after listening for 30 minutes or so, I realize that their whole story is about some hurt from their distant past. Eventually, I find an opportunity to ask if they've forgiven the person. They sometimes say, "Yes, long ago."
When this happens, I share with them a test that helps me determine if I still harbor anger against someone. Here's the test: If I were to see the person come around the corner today, would my heart wish them well? Or would it tighten up? If my heart's reaction is to wish them well, I've forgiven them. If not, I have some work to do.
Jesus taught his followers to Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you (Luke 6.27-28). This takes work. I learned that a key part of forgiving is to pray for the person who hurt me. But how, exactly? My advice is that before praying for God to enlighten the perpetrator, pray for God to bless them. One way to do this is to use the BLESS acronym to frame your prayers:
Body - ask God to bless their physical needs.
Labor - ask God to bless their work or schoolwork.
Emotions - ask God to bless their emotions.
Social - ask God to bless their social interactions with friends, relatives, associates, and neighbors.
Spiritual - ask God to bless their spiritual life.
Another part of the work is to permit God to change my heart toward the perpetrator—to make my heart beat like His heart toward that person.
These are two prayers that I know are in God's will. The process of forgiveness often requires time. Depending on the depth of the hurt, it may take weeks or months.
Reconciliation is a big step beyond forgiveness. Reconciliation is the process of re-establishing a fruitful working relationship between a victim and a perpetrator. God does not necessarily expect reconciliation from his followers in every situation. To understand this, let's consider two examples.
Suppose a church treasurer stole money from the church, got caught, and sincerely confessed. Forgiveness means that the church accepts the confession, and when leaders and parishioners see the ex-treasurer walk in the door, their hearts wish him well.
Reconciliation occurs when a non-financial ministry opportunity arises that aligns with the gifts and graces of the ex-treasurer, the church offers it to them, and other parishioners encourage him/her in it.
Restoration means the church trusts him with the treasurer's job again!
My counsel to such a church is that God expects the church to forgive and work toward reconciliation. Further, I think God at least hopes for the restoration of the treasurer's role. It's part of the church's modeling life as citizens of heaven in full view of the surrounding culture.
Suppose a husband physically and emotionally abused his wife over many years and did so in full view of the children. Eventually, she leaves him and, months later, files for divorce. Then the husband apologizes, takes an anger management class, recommits his life to Christ, and promises that he will never abuse her again.
Forgiveness occurs when the wife sees the husband come around the corner and her heart wishes him well. His change of heart makes forgiveness easier, but she needs to forgive him regardless.
Reconciliation might mean that when he comes to a kid's ballgame or school performance, she sits with him. They engage in civil and respectful conversations in public, especially around the kids. It means they can respectfully address financial issues, such as the kids' support needs (medical, educational, and so on).
Restoration means rebuilding the marriage, and he moves back in with the family, including sharing the bedroom.
My counsel to the wife is that God expects her to forgive, and in most cases, he expects her to be open to reconciliation. In many cases, I think God at least hopes for a complete restoration of the marriage as part of Christians' modeling life as citizens of heaven in full view of the surrounding culture.
The general rule within a healthy Christian community is that God is always hoping for restoration. But, especially when one of the parties is outside of Christian faith, God still expects the Christian to forgive.
Forgiveness can occur unilaterally; however, reconciliation and restoration require the participation of all parties.
Lewis Smedes' book, Forgive and Forget, taught me a lot about forgiveness and reconciliation. I've recommended it to countless people over the years. If you are teaching on the topic of Forgiveness and Reconciliation, or if you are struggling with this issue in your life, I highly recommend this book. It is concise, straightforward, and extremely helpful.
My editor and wife, Robin, helped me distinguish between the concepts of reconciliation and restoration.
Blessings,
Tim
(For notes on a sermon I preached in 1992 on this topic, click on Forgiveness)