Blessing Others

by Tim Isbell, June 2016

Recently, a soon-to-be new mother asked Robin and me to join in a time of blessing and offering advice to her husband, the soon-to-be new father. 

Many years ago, I remembered teaching this skill using principles from The Blessing, a book by Gary Smalley and John Trent. A little dusty book still sits on my shelves, and I also found my old teaching notes. Together, these informed my contribution to the occasion, attended by a circle of friends. It was a blessed time, indeed.

Afterward, I decided to post Smalley and Trent's five elements of blessing others. To learn more about how to bless people, read on.

What happens to those who never receive the blessing?

If we don't get the blessing, we suffer. And if we don’t bless the people in our lives, then they suffer, and we miss the blessing God gives to those who bless others. God wants to bless us, and he wants us to bless the people around us.

Five elements in blessing someone:

1. Meaningful Touch

Purdue University Library illustration

Librarians alternately touched and did not touch students as they returned library cards. Later they interviewed each student. Those touched reported more positive feelings about the library and the librarian.

Neurosurgeon illustration

For half his patients, he sat on their bed and touched their arm or leg while talking with them. But not for the other half. He spent the same amount of time with each one.

At exit time, nurses gave patients a short questionnaire, especially asking them to comment on the amount of time the doctor spent with them. Those he touched perceived that he spent twice as much time with them as he did.

Some people, especially guys, are uncomfortable touching or being touched. I was, and still am to some extent. But when I understood that touching is a valuable element of blessing, I learned to do it.

2. Spoken words

In scripture, a blessing is not a blessing until it is spoken. The book of James says the tongue is powerful, and it can destroy others when it says wrong things. It can also do damage by keeping silent, implying that “I’ve given up on you.”

Some excuses to let go of:

These are not reasons; these are excuses. The real reason most of us don’t speak words of blessing to those around us is that our elders failed to speak blessings into our lives - probably because their parents never blessed did the same for them! We need to fix this problem in our generation.

At the blessing of the soon-to-be new father, I wrote my blessing on a card to leave with the couple and also spoke it in the time of blessing:

3. Express their high intrinsic value

We must recognize a person’s inherent worth and hold it up for them to see. Look for their high points and speak them out as part of the blessing. Everybody has some good attributes. God designed us that way, so look for them. When you find an intrinsic value, affirm and encourage it.

Here's an example in which a couple uses a "word picture" to express the high intrinsic value they find in their December child:

Every Christmas, they wrapped up her baby picture and put it under the tree so she’d realize they considered her a valuable gift. At 13 years old, months before Christmas, she was struggling. So Mom and Dad made a copy of her baby picture, wrapped and presented it to her. It was just what she needed, and years later, she points to that as a critical turning point in her life.

The principles of word pictures

Word pictures are not easy for some of us, but they are powerful. To learn more about word pictures, read The Blessing by Smalley and Trent.

4. Help them envision a favorable future

Young people need someone to spend enough time with them to discover their capabilities and then speak to them about how these can lead to a desirable future. Our peers and even our elders often need this sort of encouragement. 

When dealing with elderly people nearing the end of life, picturing a favorable future involves holding up: 

For a collection of relevant scriptures, check out Sections 1 and 2 of the Visitation Scripture List.

Here is another example, again using a word picture: 

Several years ago, I served as a substitute father for a young guy. He had an aggressive, strong personality with a physique to match. I had a sense that this might cause trouble in his teen years, so in middle school, I decided to try to imprint in him something that would picture a favorable future. This ended in another word picture: 

A nearby park had a large oak tree, the kind with a gigantic trunk and a large canopy of branches and leaves. In those branches lived lots of birds, squirrels ran around in it, and under the tree was lots of shade for hot days. When the intense winter storms hit, this tree stood firm. One day I took the young guy to the oak and described the tree's characteristics to him. Then I told him how the tree illustrates the kind of adult I knew he would become. 

Occasionally, without provocation, I reminded him of the tree. And especially if I noticed him drifting into the natural tendency at over-aggression, I'd find a way to remind him of the tree. We spent 10-12 years together. He's now an attorney with a wife and three kids.

5. Make an active commitment to them

For example:

The same young guy in the Oak Tree story needed a minor course correction during high school. He needed some spending money, so he found a job at a liquor store (also selling a few groceries and inappropriate magazines) within walking distance of his apartment. They paid him in cash. When I heard, I went to talk with him. I told him that I wanted him to quit the job immediately to keep his focus on academics and stay involved in football. I assured him that he could start his working career a little later and with a more honorable job. 

Of course, he still needed spending money that his mom couldn't supply. So I set up a system to provide a steady allowance through high school.

Summary of the five parts of blessing:

For more depth and lots of great examples of godly blessings, read Smalley and Trent's excellent book.

    

Blessings to you - now, go bless somebody,

Tim